It’s been months in coming… nay, years even. But the wait has been worth it. And if this proves one thing more than anything else, it’s that nobody, NOBODY, deters the Grig when our Spider-senses are tingling telling us there’s a scoop just around the corner, no matter how many blind alleys we have to meander down in getting there. Yep. This is big time baby.
My mission in bridging the gap between Hatcher and games was verging on becoming obsessive, scary even, especially for any passing average off the street Joe Packer, but finally, Teri Hatcher and gaming have come together in a glorious unison of intergalactic melding. All you need to do… is take a deep breath, and expand the article.
Well, here she is. Lois herself rendered in glorious PS1-o-vision from the game of the Bond movie Tomorrow Never Dies. Obviously, the game sucks. But! Finally, the connection has been made! After serious man hours of Internet-graftery, even to the point where the minimal comic worth such a discovery would have for our humble Greadership would have long since evaporated, I finally breached the divide!
She looks mighty fine, huh? Yeah, she’s sporting the mid-recovery-Lois-wrecker-of-a-haircut, but still. If anything, I guess this answers the age old question of what would happen if you cross bread a human with a Virtua Fighter 1 character. I can live with it to be fair. I mean, even those pit girls from Virtua Racing looked ok from a certain distance. Hmm… lovely cereal box women. Moving on.
Funnily enough, I actually wondered if she would be in this game, but never found anything on it until now. Even more annoyingly, I actually own this piece of crap but it sucked so bad I never endured more than a few fleeting minutes with it to get any kind of distance in the story to unearth the Hatch-meister. ‘Twas right under my nose the whole time!
Question is now, do I endure the game to see her in the polygonal flesh? Well, I have just started a play through of Chrono Cross, one of the most revered JRPG’s of the 32-bit era. Do I really put it on the back burner for this tripe?
Well am I a writer for Grig Orig, or am I a writer for Grig Orig? When Grig has become a synonym for quality and journalistic integrity that leaves no stone unturned… darn right I did! Leg’s go on a journey, my Grigglings…
Oh no. It’s by EA. I’m playing an EA game. I’M PLAYING AN EA GAME! I’ll hand my Grig Orig credentials in at the door on my way out.
Why am I doing this to myself? This is not going to end well. By the way, hope you like my lack of ability to capture screenshots with anything other than my clapped out iPhone4.
Does anyone know how far in Teri Hatcher is? I’ve been playing for about thirty seconds and I’m already bored. This is gonna be a slog. I probably should also explain that my camera lens has cello tape over it in order to hold the phone together. Gives it all that added look of extreme crapness you’d associate with my articles. Yep. My tech’s in a fine state.
Y’know, I thought I’d played this game, but I think that must’ve been The World Is Not Enough. EA have actually made some effort to stretch the screen for our PAL TV’s. Not fully though, so still screw PAL 50hz buh, and still screw EA.
I can’t pick up that gun that’s right in front of me as it’s slightly outside of the permitted walking area. It’s one of those games. Good.
Along with the obligatory getting stuck on invisible walls, overly twitchy analogue control, and generally appalling gameplay of course. For example, the battle I had to endure to walk through this gap in the fence took a good while and plenty of controller wrangling before the game permitted me to do so. Sheesh… freakin’ what a crock it is.
Right, enough of the buh. Level 2. Let’s get Hatchering! Nice plane, huh? Wait… I’m still pre-opening credits in the movie! Oh no…
Ok, so I pressed on and about three minutes later, level 2 was done. Clearly quality over quantity. Ahem. I stole a plane and was greeted with movie footage. Not that you can tell from how bad this shot is. But I can vouch for the fact that it’s a plane flying out of an explosion. And it looks great. Ahem again.
It’s MC Brosno. Hopefully he’s not going to sing the opening theme. From his vocal ‘performance’ in Mama Mia, ’twill not be pleasurable to the ears. And please don’t question why I saw that movie. Lucy told me I’d love it. How well she knows me…
Ok, finally, we get the dancing women. Thankfully this is back from a time before women’s lib had gone off the deep end and we were still allowed to look at women, unlike the beginning of Casino Royale. You pigs.
Ok, level 3 and… hello! We could be getting somewhere! Isn’t this where Bond has a li’l reacquaintance with Teri?
Yes! Paris was her name in the movie! I can smell that hatch just around the corner! That sounds wrong. Anyhoo…
Where is she? Must be around somewhere. Are you all still with me? We’re having a good time, right?
What kind of tip is this? This makes Grig Towers seem habitable, even though it violates every health and safety policy known to man. The design is quite similar though. Except we have pictures of Lucy Verasamy. Grig wins again.
Verasamy there, laughing fresh off the latest Grig article. Flippin’ loves it! Wait… what’s that up ahead?
Yes! YEEEEEEEEES! We made it boys!
Here she blows! I used the sniper rifle to get a full body shot but was careful not to aim at her just incase she got scared and started laying little polygonal poo’s all over the show and making a right mess.
Press ‘O’ to talk, it says. You know I’m gonna, but… oh man, this is all so sudden! What am I going to say?! Think of a compliment, quick! Er… um…
Oh. It’s just reenacting their exchange from the movie. Except more crap, and without the real voice actors. Teri kinda almost sounds English. Da grig?
Bosh! Pierce takes a swift right to the cheek as Teri gives him the what for. This is surely double standards though. It’s fine for a woman to hit a dude who’s saved the world a gazillion times, yet when Bond uses a lady as a human shield in Goldfinger, they cut it out. The grig is the world comin’ ta…?
Bit of rearview panning action for that real cinematic-feel. Hmm. Shall I? Why, I couldn’t possibly…
BOO-TAY!!! Well I couldn’t come all this way for nothing. That’s some of the best use of about 4-5 polygons that I ever did see! I’m of course talking about those incredibly well-rendered steps.
Uh oh. Her hubby’s turning up. This could get awkward… for him when I tell him I blocked the bog on my way up and a big queue was forming outside. Pwned.
Oh, I’m being lead away. Hope a bog-wash isn’t in order for my crimes. Not even the Goodyear Blimp trick’s gonna get me out of this one. See ya Lois.
And it’s lights out, all out, as in the blink of an eye, Bond’s knocked out cold, and more importantly, I never have to play this game ever again.
Well, there you have it. Finally the Grig came good…ish. But of course, no article of Hatcher-shaped proportions should end without a quick delve into her most recent Twitter splutterings.
Teri: Roughing it.
Here, having heard that the boys from Grig Orig were going to call round her house for tea and crumpets, Hatcher fled to the woods and constructed herself a shack in which to take shelter. She was out there all of about five minutes before we found her, whimpering alone, the lifestyle change clearly not agreeing with her usual celebrity pamperings. Plus the lack of plug sockets to power the Megadrive and copy of Street Fighter 2 she had stashed inside after grabbing her dearest possessions before fleeing left her feeling more than just a little deflated. Don’t be too hard on yourself Teri, other than the power flaw, it was a lovely piece of accommodation.
Good night Gri-enna! That didn’t work. Good.
This is the kind of investigative journalism that wins Pulitzers. Lois herself would be proud. Though she’d have probably have failed to play through and instead found a way to end up in a life-threatening situation while doing it – which she always seemed to do in a not-obvious-at-all effort to get Supes to turn up and save her. Possibly snapping the disc as she whips it out in an EA-fuelled rage and nearly lacerating her carotid artery? Hurling her pad across the room and accidentally throttling herself on the cable? (notice the era-specificity of that comment as the ps1 was pre-wireless pads of course… we’re nothing if not authentic in our comments you see…) Or perhaps falling from a dam / high-rise building / aeroplane or some other ridiculously unlikely place? anyhow, well played for the perseverance. I once tried to play this game. But ended up slitting my own throat with the broken disc while hanging myself over the edge of a dam / high rise building / aeroplane.
but i’m accident prone like that.
Tragically, the worst enemy Supes never saw coming was that hair dresser. Freakin’ planets fell out of alignment when that Grig-monger took to her barnet. The pain is still very real.
On a seperate but related note, we could fire up the ol’ Grig Orig twitter profile and send her a direct link and find out what she really thinks. Would be one way of getting around the block she’s put on my personal profile after my 3267th tweet demanding she send me a picture of herself holding a Megadrive pad. Course she’ll be tripping over herself to comment on Grig after all the coverage we’ve given her. We’ve prolonged her career by at least twenty years minimum. Or was that the jail term I got last time I went within one hundred meters of her? My memory gets so fuzzy…
I think we’ve just proven that the saying ‘all publicity is good publicity’ is clearly a lie.