Surprising Thursday…

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Surprising Thursday has to begin with the revelation that I’m actually writing this on Friday morning. Surprise! (But it’s still Thursday night really – you know that weird zone at 3am when you’re not sure?)

Anyway, onto more pressing matters. Was just about to watch an episode of Family Guy when I noticed they were making a big fuss that the episode was guest starring Wallace Shawn as Bertram. And I was like “who is he?! I do kinda recognise his voice. So I did IMDb and lo, he’s Rex out of Toy Story.

Mildly interesting.

But then I spy the character picture for Little Bo Peep. (Oh yeah! You can guess this now can’t ya?!) and I’m like, who’s THAT? And would you Adam and Eve it?! The woman who did the voice for Little Bo Peep in Toy Story is none other than….

Janine Melnitz from my office!

Not really my office. That’s just something Pete Venkman says. When he’s trying to persuade Dana to go on a date in Ghostbusters II and says who the babysitter is. Right?

Anyway, I’d have never guessed that. Little Bo Peep! Hey Bo, don’t stare at me. You’ve got the bug eyes. Hey Bo? Sorry about the bug eyes thing. I’ll be in my office!

Other facts I kinda knew but confirmed while researching this fine article:

Janine is played by the same actress in Ghostbusters II despite the radical change in appearance.

Winston did indeed go on to act in precisely squat after his stint as the Ghostbusters token black guy.

There is no ‘t’ in Venkman.

I’ve been saying that bug eyes quote slightly wrong for many years. Haha! But also IMDb has it wrong too as they miss out the “it’s a good job, isn’t it?” bit from the longer quote…

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Happy Frickin Birthday!

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Well I never – the Game Boy is 25 years old today! (Japanese release date). Game Man? Too gay.

And for all you fact hunters, here’s what Wikipedia has to say on the matter: The Game Boy was released in Japan on April 21, 1989, in North America in August 1989, and in Europe on September 28, 1990. Redesigned versions were released in 1996 and 1998, in the form of Game Boy Pocket, and Game Boy Light (Japan only), respectively.

Notice they missed out 1991: some punk smashes my Game Boy in a desk and the school refuses to buy me a new one.

Had that punk for a month. A month!!

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The Downside of Retro

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Guffaw! Oh how we moaned at expansion packs and memory cards over the years – but how blessed we were. Just enough memory to save a few nudey pics or two of your favourite S Club 7 mp3’s would have cost thousands back in the day (if time somehow got screwed up and those things existed at the same time as this, that is. Well, nudey pics did. But you’d have probably taken the shame of buying a Razzle at Spar if it meant saving three grand so that’s kind of irrelevant.)

Kind of makes you wonder what would have ever been worth this amount of money to save to disk. Code? Secret code? Secret biological warfare code that you couldn’t risk writing down? Hot dog man! So the only reason to buy this is if you were a major international germ terrorist?! Why, that’s kind of a giveaway at Dixons if you ask me. Straight to jail with no supper, guaranteed.

I’d have just paid a servant to write down my chemical weapon recipes, saved myself the time in clink and spent the change on a Deep Pan Pizza.

Win.

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On the trail of Streets of Rage 4

Grigori(g) Rasputin! Think I used that one before…

Ah, a lovely day off. What shall I do? The suns shining, the birds are singing, and there’s excitement in the air! Best stay inside with the curtains closed and write some crap for Grig that only three people will ever see because it doesn’t have Minecraft in the title. Good. Anyhoo, let’s start afresh…

Well, it’s about that time again! Proceeding to disprove popular opinion that there is no life left in the old dog of Grigorig, we throw out another offering of epic proportions as if articles grow on trees here in the land of Grig! And so, sauntering from the mist like a Walrus on the 18th of February, we offer up yet another investigation of extreme relevance – the non existent Streets of Rage 4. And while nothing’s particularly going on with said game, that won’t stop us making an article about it. We here at Grig make our own news.

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Now the early 90’s were a playground of fisticuffs of the highest order. Street Fighter, Fatal Fury, Mortal Kombat, they were all about putting ayne to the sword. I was going to say fist, but that probably sounds a bit wrong. Anyhoo, the one on one band wagon was well ridden, but ’twas not the only setup in camp beat ’em up. Handling the scrolling shenanigans of brawling-beatery was the likes of Final Fight, Double Dragon, Cadillacs and Dinosaurs, and Rival Turf. Sega looked on, and looking to stock their 16-bit monster with as much firepower as they could muster, rustled up their own IP. Thus the legendary Streets of Rage was born.

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Streets of Rage 1 was a decent first crack of the whip. Coming at a time when studios were still getting a grip on the Megadrive hardware, the sprites weren’t massive, and animation frames were fairly sparse. A potentially limited memory amount may have been an issue with some of the clone bosses like the green Blaze twins… not that it’s stopped Capcom rehashing every asset they have even now with their upteen million gigs of space to this very day. The swines. Anyhoo, the music was exceptional, a fine piece of Yuzo Koshiro-ery taking the overall product quality up a notch, and though limited, the gameplay was fantastic. Shout outs abound to the Police car screen nuking escapades ahoy! Inspired!

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Streets of Rage 2 was where things really got cooking, with massive advancements in all areas, and thanks to influences from SF2, resulted in one of the best games of all time. Still admired today, this title really cemented the series as a legendary Sega franchise.

Streets of Rage 3 typically followed, but somehow lost its way a little, coming across as a little shoddy with graphics and gameplay that lost the sheen of 2, and even the soundtrack was surprisingly a bit cack. Yuzo must’ve been having an off day. Happens, I guess.

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But we can forgive a brief fluctuation into the world of buh, as long as we don’t have to dwell there too long. And so, onwards and upwards! Cue the advent of a new generation of machines, and much hope of a fourth instalment…

Step forward Core Design, seemingly wishing to saddle up with Sega and ply their wares on their new fangled Saturn after doing well by them with Mega CD games like Thunderhawk, Battlecorps, and Soulstar. Thus, with the Streets of Rage name under their belts, Core set about putting together the fourth in the franchise.

It all was not meant to be however, as soon Core were pushing Sega for a multiplatform release with proposed PS1 and N64 versions in the mix. Sega obviously declined, and soon the plug was pulled on the Streets of Rage name. And so, with a rebranding called for, Fighting Force was born.

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To be honest, slapping the Streets of Rage name on this game would have been a disgrace as it was slow, shoddy, looked crap, had terrible sound, and played like a clapped out donkey. Interestingly, such was the fall out with Sega, despite releasing on Sony and Nintendo’s platforms, the completed Saturn version never reached market. But while that game was no loss, perhaps the repercussions were more severe as Core walked away from the Saturn, taking Tomb Raider 2 and its sequels with them. Oof.

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So technically, this is what Streets of Rage 4 could have been. Close one. Also spawned a PS1 and Dreamcast sequel… that was complete guff and somehow achieved being even worse than the original.

Step into the fray the real Streets of Rage 4 on the Saturn… or what turned out to be Die Hard Arcade.

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This scrolling brawler was allegedly at one point the elusive SoR4, until Sega decided against an arcade sequel and instead bizarrely secured the Die Hard licence and released it under that name.

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Running on Segas easy arcade to Saturn port coin op board, the S-TV, the game hit our living rooms in quality fashion. The fact that the game pretty much flew under the radar as Playstation waltzed all over the competition leaves it relatively unheard of among many gamers. Could the Streets of Rage licence have given the Saturn one great last hurrah? Guess we’ll never know, but many agree that the game would have been worthy of the name. Now sells for a pretty penny. And lo, the 32-bit era ended, and there wasn’t an ounce of official Ragery to be had. Grig.

Streets of Rage 4 was still MIA at the dawn of the Dreamcasts short lived life, despite new takes on other old licences. Something had to be done! And soon it was, as Sega looked to put right what once went wrong, Quantum Leap style. Setting the hounds at Ancient loose on the project, ’twas not long before playable sections of the game were conjured up for the delectation of Segas top dogs to sample.

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Alas, once again, and much like the Dreamcast itself, the project never really got off the ground. The fools of the day at the helm of Segas crumbling empire wrote the game off based on the fact that it was a scrolling beat ’em up, famously declaring that they didn’t even know what Streets of Rage was, let alone being aware that Sega owned the property and the fandom it had. In fact, it was only in more recent years that the tech demos shown to these idiots cropped up proving that teams within Sega had even worked on the project.

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Featuring a mix of standard 3D brawling alongside an intriguing first person perspective, we can only dream from these meagre glimpses as to what could have been… although, in all honesty, while very early prototype game segments, it looked terrible, and is probably a good thing that this piece of junk never came to be to sully the good name of SoR, especially as a Sega became masters of running practically every one of their other beloved IP’s into the ground.

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Streets of Rage Online, or what would theoretically be SoR4, suddenly seemed back on with the advent of the PS3/360 generation, as following a massive beat ’em up reboot thanks to the Street Fighter IV franchise, a li’l tech demo from the makers of Crackdown 2 started doing the rounds.

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Starting with a gameplay video of Streets of Rage 2, the camera pans out to reveal the footage is being observed running on an old school arcade cab. Moving to the exterior of the building you see that it’s an arcade. But don’t go sniffing around in the back for the Street Fighter machines just yet, as before you know it, the place is ablaze after a band of hoodlums hurl a Molotov cocktail through the window obliterating the previously fine looking establishment! No wonder arcades are going out if business!

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Now with Crackdown 2 under their belts, you’d be suitably understood for being nervous with Ruffian Games at the helm, what with that game being utter crap and all. And as if to heed the call of the buh signal… the game does look pants.

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Still, turns out the cruddery was short lived, as without care for their foundering legacy, Sega again called time on proceedings. And while the Axel and Blaze devoid demo certainly looked like it would require a full flush rather than a merciful partial, we do wonder if with development, it could have been good. I mean, it probably wouldn’t, but I’m trying to defy my natural instincts and be positive. Not that that ever usually works out so well in the current gaming climate.

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So there we have it. A Rage-redundant future is surely the only likely forecast on a very bleak gaming horizon. But all is not lost, for there is a game that captures all the elements of Streets of Rage and then some, made by genuine fans of the franchise and who ‘get’ the series in a way that the buffoons of the current Sega empire would never fathom.

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We are of course talking about Streets of Rage Remake by the amazing chaps at Bomber Games. The game is just brilliant, and feels like a true progression of the series without having to bow to the turdy trends of the modern era that have been forcing me backward to a point where I practically exclusively now only partake in retro gaming. And while Sega tried to shoot the whole thing down as it leapt the final hurdle in order to protect their IP, seemingly for the purpose of destroying it with the atrocious iOS versions with its glorious sound distorted beyond listenable use and still hasn’t been fixed, the game was completed and made it out.

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At the end of the day, it speaks volumes that it took someone else to not only do what Sega wouldn’t do for their fans in revisiting the franchise, but if recent releases are anything to go by it’s also more than likely they’ve made a better job of it than Sega would have ever likely been able to do themselves. Maybe one day, they’ll get their act together and not only revisit this legendary franchise, but also defy their current fad and actually make a good game. Sounds like a grigging tall order, and one I won’t likely be holding my breath over. But till then, Remake is my SoR4, and one that defies any expectation I could have hoped for.

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Posted in Arcade, consoles, Dibbs Ahoy, Fighting, General, Sega | Tagged | 3 Comments

Cosplay model in upside down proton pack shame!

We all love Ghostbusters here at Grig Orig, so what better combination could there be than Ghostbusters + nice women? None, that’s what. But wait, what’s this?

Upside down PP

No. No, absolutely not.

Crossing the streams is one thing, but wearing an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on your back upside down is quite another. For a start, why is it so small? I mean, I know that technology has advanced since the 80’s, but this is a joke. And surely the production costs wouldn’t be so diminished in our current climate as to the issue of a pack devoid of the gun. I mean what are you supposed to do, throw it at the ghosts?

I’m sorry, but this ‘Sexy Ghostbuster’ costume is a disgrace. There’s nothing sexy about atrocious errors, otherwise my GCSE exam papers would be selling for a packet on the lowly and seedy websites of the world run by desturbed scum and degenerates.

Or Grigorig.com.

Posted in Dibbs Ahoy, General | 2 Comments

Hello from Trap 3

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Woohoo! Inspired by the concerns of Jimmy Grig, I’m dropping in to say hi – and to be clear, I’m saying hi while I’m dropping in.

Because yes, all my grigging takes place from the work toilet cubicles – and my recent absence owes much to the lack of a wifi password for the work network. Sadly, 3G doesn’t reach the men’s bogs.

But I’ve got a new password! Hurrah!

The only other distraction has been Angry Birds. I know, I know – lame. But iOS is not world class for games; and those that are here don’t lend readily to 7.6 minutes stints (my average stay). The exception being Monument Valley – review pending! – which is ace, and quite quick.

The other love of my toilet life being tumblr. Where, weirdly, I spend my time looking at pictures like the one above of a game boy instead of playing actual games. It’s kind of my current phase of life – I like the idea of games more than the reality. Though that has more to do with time than preference, there is one other good reason for it – fan art is the distillation of the best of our memories. There are very few DeviantArt pages devoted to the Game Boy conversion of RoboCop. Or the SNES version of Jurassic Park. Because they were lame. So a tumblr feed? Like pure memory opium.

Anyway, my ablutions are over. Now to wipe and dash. Happy days my fellow grigs!

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Teri Hatcher in primitive light gun game escapade!

Who’d have thunk it? After my numerous fruitless hours grafting my way through a myriad of false leads via Google, I finally have unearthed photo evidence of Teri Hatcher gaming.

In a way.

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Well, it is a game. It would seem that some type of projectile could be emitted from the front end of the gun. But I like to imagine that the contraption is some kind of unreleased Afterburner universe (seems to have a plane type wheel) light gun coin-op constructed by Sega and play tested by Hatcher as a precursor to green lighting the first Virtua Cop.

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Another picture of her toying with a gizmo from Sega’s secret Area 51 style R&D department where they’re already up to Dreamcast 9 and Megadrive 15. Wait… is that a prototype Sega Bass Fishing rod?

Apparently the girl next to her is her daughter. Shame Teri couldn’t pass her genes directly on to her offspring without diluting them with those of some unkempt ruffian of a former husband thus basically resulting in an identical but younger clone. The Empire had the technology, but we had Teri in our galaxy far, far away. Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be. Sigh…

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Of more pressing concern, is the man directly behind her making no secret of checking out her wares from the first picture. Not even feigning looking at his phone while hovering over the target is such a rookie mistake. So I hear. The guy obviously has no clue. Probably doesn’t even have a tattoo of her phone number yet either. Amateur.

According to my sources, a.k.a the captions under the pictures I saw, these shots are taken from some kind of Disney Planes movie launch party. Teri provided the voice of Dottie, who apparently isn’t worthy of either being a plane, nor featuring in the videogame. Bet it sucks anyway. Honestly, who’s in charge of this stuff?

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This is Dottie. They get Teri on board, and this is what they come up with? Grigging A…

Well, that’s enough for today. I’m off to watch season 2 of the New Adventures of Superman and pretend it’s still ’94 when I had some semblance of misplaced hope for the world…

Posted in Arcade, Dibbs Ahoy, Games, General, Sega | Leave a comment

Super Wrestlemania Review – Megadrive

Can my childhood heroes please stop being culled? This year has already seen the departure of Egon, and now, the Ultimate Warrior has followed suit. Sigh…

Prompted by the events of this week to revisit Super Wrestlemania from the days when WWF was still actually called WWF, a nostalgic romp of grand proportions was had!

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As a young lad, my interest in WWF went thus: the Ultimate Warrior. Fleeting though my following of wrestling was, as just at the height of his awesomeness, he went on hiatus taking my interest with him, my gaming facination was a li’l more prominent. And back in those finance devoid days, pickings were slim when it came to building a decent games library. The sacrifice of my Master System hitting the pages of the Friday-Ad to ensure I could buy Streets of Rage 2 was a desperate move, but one that was a necessity. Thus, it’s hard for me to look back and remember my thought pattern as I came to the decision that the rare possibility of adding a new forty-pounder of a game should be used on WWF, which although regarded as ok, certainly wasn’t at the top of many peoples wish lists. After releasing on the SNES, there was a period of time before the game came to the Megadrive, but it was the roster change that occurred that was the defining deal breaker for me; the SNES version didn’t have the Ultimate Warrior, but the Megadrive version did. Sale!

Releasing at a time when I was only just starting to become suspicious of the legitimacy of this wrestling malarkey, the obvious contact missing punches of the WWF performers were a distant memory as I proceeded to pound my opponents into the canvas on the Megadrive. And whilst certainly not in the realm of Ragery, it was often a hoot and a half! But how does it fare in 2014? Hmm…

Well, obviously any young kid today will think this game is crap, and that’s for sure. Thankfully, I happen to have the finest pair of nostalgic beer goggles to hand negating any type of 2014 gaming measurement which will leave any current day youth muchly confused should they clap their chocolate-laden mitts on this game, baffled at the suckage in contrast to the fact that this review will declare ‘I like this game!’.

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The Ultimate Warrior teaching another clown who’s boss with a head-butt. I’m not gonna lie. All these screenshots are likely to look the same.

Yes, that’s right. I like this game. In fact, I still like this game. As in, I did as a kid, and I still do now. It’s not perfect by any regard, but it’s still a fun, mash-tastic example of early 90’s wrestling butt-kickery. Taking it’s cues from such awesome arcade games as the WWF Wrestlefest titles, the lock up grappling system lead to many a RSI-esque ailment among the days youth, and is a darn sight more difficult to endure in my clapped out mid-thirties. But soldier on I did, until once again I was witnessing the Warrior throwing fools all over the show, bouncing them against the ropes, slamming them, head-butting them, and generally kicking ayne before being crowned with the WWF championship belt thingy, the blocks of the universes correctness falling snugly into place as order is restored.

Whilst many a reviewer may have dismissed this button-bashing mechanic as being fairly primitive, even back then, it certainly made for some frenzied matches as we pounded the pads in a sweaty haze of exuberance. Sure, it could be frustrating to be on the receiving end of a nimble-fingered pummelling from a slick-tapping friend who was a lot quicker than you, but fret not, as high-level mashery is not the only gameplay options on offer!

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The Ultimate Warrior getting slammed. You can tell this is a video game as this wouldn’t happen in real life.

Making up the wrestlers repertoires are a selection of normal moves ranging from punches and kicks, to running elbows, drop kicks, and leg drops from the top ropes. Mastering the full spectrum of the moves on offer is essential for keeping out your opponent when you’re being licked in the art of tappery, bringing in a decent level of strategic depth. Whilst the incredible diversity of the likes of Street Fighter 2 and it’s amazing range of different moves and characters are a million miles off of what WWF has to offer, what with most of the wrestlers effectively being the same gameplay wise, there are character specific special moves throw in to the mix. As with many fighting games, some characters signature moves are a lot better than others, and the Warrior gets shafted a little in this department with his pounce move taking an age to activate as he jogs on the spot before launching forward making it probably the easiest move to avoid in the whole game. Technically, this shortcoming could make him low tier in the context of this game, but since nobody can ever beat the Ultimate Warrior, it doesn’t really matter much. Would of been nice to be a bit quicker though. Sigh…

Graphically, the game ranges from average, to a bit cack, the Megadrive version lacking a little of the smoother gradients afforded to the SNES version by it’s ability to put more colours on screen, although the Megadrive version looks a bit sharper. Character art suffers a little for the lack of colour though, and taking a look at the title screen versions of Hulk Hogan leaves him looking like someone’s swapped his morning power drink for a canister of mutigen on the Megadrive. Ultimately, the in-game graphics are sufficient enough to portray the action, but next to the bold sprites of the aforementioned arcade Wrestlefest games, Super Wrestlemania leaves itself a little bit wanting with far smaller and less impressive sprites.

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Hulk… what happened?!

As I mentioned earlier, the game is far from perfect, and this is easily apparent in terms of the animation. The frames for some motions, such as walking, seem minimal and jar with the screens vertical and horizontal scrolling juddering along about as comfortably as a night in a nappy full of cack. The difference between this basic movement contrasts highly against certain other motions when they activate, such as the drop kick animation which almost looks mo-capped, such is its seemingly greater frames of animation. This leaves the game somewhat inconsistent in this department, but overall, as with the of the rest of the game, it gets the job done, one way or the other.

One issue of concern, that often results in frustration, is that the responsiveness of the controls is tipping way over to the iffy side of the scales. At some points I was starting to wonder if my controller was broken, such was the failure to respond of my character. Most of the time, things flow along as nicely as the dodgy animation allows, but it certainly has it’s moments. Collision detection often joins it in sporadic bouts of ineffectual madness, but overall, the lapses of crapness can be forgiven for the times the game gets it right.

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Davey Boy Smith! Representing the U.K! Shame he’s up against the Warrior. He will definitely lose. Also no longer with us. Sigh…

Sound wise, there’s nothing to write home about. Sound effects are basic, a little scratchy, and are generally left feeling like a bit of an after thought, although hit sounds can be satisfyingly crunchy on occasion. The music, what little there is, is fairly crap though. With each of the wrestlers anthems being given a chip-tune make over, they lose their effectiveness to a large degree, although I get the feeling that this flaw is more to do with the devs making a bad job of them rather than what could have been achieved. An opportunity missed perhaps, but their use is so fleeting that maybe it’s not too much of an issue. Would’ve been nice to have rocked out to a decent version of the Warriors awesome intro though. I’ll just get the tune up on YouTube next time perhaps.

Presentation is notably lacking. Massively, in fact. The basic menu screens are functional though nothing pretty, and the screen you receive for winning the championship looks like it was knocked up in two minutes. The static screen in the style of a newspaper declaring your victory is a far cry from the cinematics of the likes of Flashback, but hey ho. I just can’t help but feel a little disappointed and short changed for my efforts as the credits roll. Very C64… in a bad way.

Overall, the game is an enjoyable representation of WWF for the time, and outside of the arcade, was probably the best wrestling game of its time. With a little more spit and polish, ambition, and perhaps a bit more uniqueness for the wrestlers, it could have been awesome. As it is, it’s still good, it’s just not great. But… it does have the Ultimate Warrior in it. And that’s the main thing.

Graphics: 67%

They do the job, with characters well recognisable and the ring decently rendered. Animation is a mixed bag, the good elements picking the crap bits up off the floor and holding things together.

Gameplay: 72%

Enjoyable wrestling fun and frolics. What it lacks in Street Fighter-like depth, it makes up for in mashing the poop out of the pad. A good blend of frantic button hammering and delicate strategy.

Sound: 32%

Aw, it sucks I’m afraid. Just turn the sound off and whack on a CD… or MP3 if that’s too old school. Screw it, let’s keep it retro – put on an audio cassette!

Overall: 70%

A good game tarnished by a few weak areas, a little underdeveloped, but ultimately fun. While my retro specs maybe severely rose tinted this fine morn, careth me not! I’m off for another go, and I suggest you all do the same. Just remember to pick the Ultimate Warrior!

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When celebs try to game

All this talk of Jet the Games Mistress recently got me to thinking – are there actually any real celebrity females who play games? A brief Griggle (the greatest online search engine) search later, and failing to find any results for ‘Teri Hatcher playing video games’, I chanced upon the following results.

Rihanna Gaming

Rhianna: The pop star that just won’t grigging go away no matter how run of the mill she is, caught here Xbox pad in hand, headset adorning bonce. Now we’re not here to discuss the wanton warblings of the unwieldy wench, but her Grig Convince-Me-Ometer score is screaming bull-poopery. Did she have a song on some games soundtrack or something? Look at the poor placement of her index fingers. No game should call for such lax positioning. What if she needed to pull off a Dragon Punch FADC into Ultra at the drop of a hat? She’d drop that combo and look like a darn fool, I tell thee! Still, she seems to have the basic idea and at least is holding the pad up the right way. The face is a give away to the fraudulence though. Who smiles like that on Xbox Live? You think that’s the face of someone being told what her mother gets up to on a Friday night by a prepubescent? No. Then she is not on Xbox Live.

Leona Lewes: The facade of gaming continues, or rather not in Leonas case, as having one of her numbers crowbarred into Final Fantasy XIII, the SquareEnix/Leona PR dullards decided that it would be a good idea to stick her down in front of the game to highlight just how little she knows what she’s doing.

Leona lewis Gaming

Foregoing the fact that the gameplay segment (the open world of Cocoon) they get her to ply her hand at is not even reachable until around 30 hours into the game, Leona doesn’t really fill the enemies roaming the land with any sense of menace. Haplessly having Lightning meander around with no concept of objective, Leona states, ‘I could run around all day!’. Yes. Yes you could. But that’s not the point of the game. And if you’d invested the heavy price of enduring Final Fantasy XIII for the required hours to get this far, I doubt the first thing on your mind would be to aimlessly run across the landscape for the rest of the day. Still, at least she didn’t attempt to mask the fact she didn’t know what she was doing, and is still a more convincing gamer than Andy Crane when presenting Bad Influence.

Mila Kunis: Now I don’t really know or care who Mila Kunis is, but I am aware that she is an actress whose name gets bandied about more than the average and she is apparently attractive. Hmm. I’d still prefer Teri Hatcher. And that’s Teri Hatcher 2014 too. But anyhoo, allegedly the aforementioned Ms Kunis is something of a dab hand at World of Warcraft.

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Apparently this is her. Better not be laughing at us, that’s all I can say. Smile all you like Kunis. If you read The Grigs criminal record you’d be running, not smiling. Getting off topic again… back to WoW. Now while not being my cup of tea in any regard whatsoever, I am certainly aware of the frenzied and dedicated following this game has. I once worked with a chap who was very, VERY into this game, and he was certainly a… character. In fact, he’s the only person on earth with whom you could have the conversation about ‘if you were a superhero, what power would you have?’, and literally have it destroyed as he equates the powers to WoW stats and levels of magic, intricately going into how each ability would be used and at what cost to your MP. Sufficed to say, it was not a subject I dared venture again, along with any other topic of conversation. Could Kunis really be gaming alongside gentlemen of this nature? Quizzed while appearing on Jonathan Ross, also an alleged WoW player himself, there seemed at least a flicker of acknowledgement and understanding when quizzed about the game. We’ll believe you for now Kunis, but the Grig will be watching you.

Jessica Alba: Now I don’t know if she’s just playing the ‘i’m a gamer’ card to try and get her face on the Grig, and frankly, I can’t be bothered to look up whether she’s made claims to this effect either, but this shot has something very ‘Andy Crane’ about it. Yes, him again. The epitome of a gaming fraud. Remember? When he used to writhe and contort in a frenzy of blurred buffoonery whilst holding a pad pretending to play a video game on that skid mark of a show, Bad Influence? This has the distinct hallmarks of such a ruse.

Alba Gaming

The exaggerated lean, the feigned look of concentration, and the lack of proper finger placement with the left index finger lazy hanging away from the shoulder button. It all screams fake. Course it is the a-typical pose for any novice racing game player. One can only dream she’s hanging a perfect power slide round the final corner of Dinosaur Canyon before thundering over the line to glory. Not that Daytona is on the PS2 mind you. Still, she’s a mighty fine specimen.

Electra Gaming

Carmen Electra: Former Grig favorite, Electra was certainly a desirable lass back in the 90’s. Somehow still adorning the covers of magazines, Carmens years must be pushing close to triple figures, her well positioned locks in our picture no doubt concealing well etched crows feet. But careth not do we here at Grig! For check out her gaming prowess! She has made a Mii that definitely wasn’t done by the photographer and handed to her just prior to this shot being taken! To be honest, it bears enough of a dissimilarity to her to be her own work, but still, this isn’t really gaming. And unless she later fired up Super SFIV blitzing the online community with several Ultra finishes and double perfects before a Street Fighting showdown with undoubted gaming heavy weight Erika Eleniak, we’d have to reason there’s work to be done. More effort needed Electra.

Megan Fox: Apparently, the Transformer actress, before being mercifully culled from being part of inflicting any more atrocious Michael Bay robots-not-so-in-disguise films on the world, is (or was) an avid Halo: Reach player. Blurting about how the unkempt ruffians of the Halo-playing community found it particularly amusing that the person handing out lashings of kickings upon them was in fact a girl, Fox likes to talk herself up in the realm of ‘lo. And handing out a clue to her online identity, she also reports she has an amusing gamertag, which apparently everyone online also finds funny. Seriously, the Halo community should get themselves a pack of Christmas crackers with the things they laugh at. The jokes found within would keep them going for years. Anyway, whoever finds out said tag wins ten Grig points. And that’s currency worth more than all the money of the world put together. Probably.

Fox Gaming

Snapped here playing some iteration of a guitar hero-esque game which almost amounts to non-gaming. Still, the only picture evidence we have. Speaking of which…

Katy Perry Wii

Katy Perry: Whilst no claims of gamery have ever notably been uttered by the lips of Perry, we chanced upon… this. Wiimote in hand, the big K-Dog appears to be promoting some music based shovel-ware crap that once gestated on Nintendo’s über popular exercise machine. Looking slightly deranged as she tries her hand at said game, she at least seems to have made some effort to dress for the occasion, cosplaying as what I can only describe as a sectioned Princess Peach. I dare venture a guess that one of her musical-misdemeanours doth grace the soundtrack lest she would undoubtedly fail to be attending such a gathering of the great unwashed. Although maybe the shackles of shame she was potentially enduring at the time with her foolhardy tethering to comedy’s version of a more insane Grigori Rasputin, Russell Brand, made such an occasion seem infinitely preferable.

Selena Gomez: Another of the next-gen women that I neither know about or have any desire to find out about. Although i do recall seeing a music video of her once. It sucked. But what she lacks in relevance to the Griggish Empire, she more than makes up for in retro street cred as she is playing none other than a Daytona USA coin-op.

Selena Daytona

Closer inspection undermines her somewhat, what with her appearing to be playing the role of backseat driver to the little girl on her lap. I’m guessing that her heated and narked expression is not related to explaining the intricacies and precise timing of the boost-start. Chances are she’s being confused by the flashing lights prompting the pair to choose their view, the colourful buttons flashing on screen possibly leading her to wonder if she’s having some kind of close encounter of the third kind. The truth is out there… and in this case, the Grig smells buh of the highest order. Still, we gotta give credit where credits due. Daytona is awesome.

Thiessen 1

Tiffany Thiessen: Or, the artist formerly known as Tiffany Amber Thiessen. We finish on a high with the early 90’s dream girl above all others. Except maybe Teri Hatcher, but she doesn’t appear to game in any capacity. Super-buh! Here, Tiffany is snapped DS in hand, a tell tale tether securing the units safety clearly visible incase the Tiff-meister tries to make off with it, thus suggesting Thiessens possible turn to a life of crime in her later years. Still, she is lovely. Age doesn’t seem to have weathered her yet beyond the point of hotness. She’s like your friends lovely Mum. Or something. Her concentration and involvement in the first shot is highly commendable. Potentially, and highly probably, ripping Ganondorf several new ring pieces as we watch.

Thiessen 2

Here you can see straight through the veil of a falsified smile where she is clearly aggrieved at the photographers nerve of disturbing her mid-game. You can already tell by the look in her eye she’s plotting a mass rep-negging to the swines Xbox Live profile the second she gets home, make no mistake about it. Ah, lovely Tiffany Amber Thiessen. She’s just… very nice, and more than welcome at Grig Towers any day, especially now the restraining order has long since expired. Please? PLEASE!!!!!!!

So there you have it. Not much to get our teeth into, but we will endeavour to soldier on and believe that one day soon, Yasmine Bleeth will return from her public exile to clean up in the Ultra SFIV category at Evo and give gamers all over the world hope.

And just to ensure that we don’t get tarred by the sexist brush…

Tupac Sonic

Here we see Tupac Shakur having a punt at Sonic 2 multiplayer. I don’t know much about rap influenced turf wars and gang warfare, but if it’s anything like the early conflicts between Sega and Nintendo fanboys, Tupac was a brave man nailing his colours to the mast. Apparently a rogue faction of extremist SNES supporters were initially implicated in his demise, until their Mums all confirmed they were home playing Mario Kart on that particular evening.

Dre Gang

Dr Dre, Snoop Dog, and… some other people. Clearly playing a round of winner stays on on Alpha 3. Dre looks a bit annoyed. Probably wishes he had imported the arcade perfect Saturn version rather than the terminally hampered crock that was the PS1 conversion. Either that or Snoops been handing him his ayne all night, barely giving him a sniff of the game. Snoop Hoggy Hog Dre calls him. Don’t worry Dre. On top of the atrocious port, the Playstation pad was a bunch of buh anyway. You’re not missing out on much.

Snoop PS3

Speaking of Snoop, here he is with a personalised PS3. Sony must really like him…

Snoop Xbox

Or did at least before he stabbed them in the back and started playing XBox. Enjoy laying in your pieces of silver, Mr.Dog. Although to be fair, it had the better multi-platform conversions all gen.

Dre Xbox

It’s Dr. Dre sporting some type of personalised gaming headphones he tries to flog. And I thought Doctors were well paid. Must be a side project when he’s not at the surgery. Although I’d be interested to see his PhD, or in fact, any evidence of his right to practise.

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Important Grig Update Abound

Try to avoid being scared – yes, I am updating twice in one day. But save your terror for what is to happen next.

After a merry jaunt down UK:Resistance memory lane recently, I was shocked to chance upon a post from the glorious realms of yesteryear.

This is some conspiracy theory buh right here. Hidden in plain sight, if you will.

Sony anus

If ever there were proof that Sega should have won the 32-bit war, then surely this is it.

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